We begin discussing a Scrabble game gone awry.
Dani: It expired! WTF! Um, yeah, sorry, I'll make a new one.
Jae: YOU SUCK!! You totally did that on purpose. I had the perfect start!!
Dani: HAAAAAAAA. If Joe had waited til Saturday afternoon and not 2 in the damn morning, I would have made it.
Jae: Is cool. I just handed you your ass in the other game ;)
Dani: Ugh. The game is still young, ma petite.
Jae: GROSS. Ma petite? I thought I had washed that out of my brain. Although, I keep thinking I need to read the series again from the beginning. Watching the train as it wrecks is VASTLY amusing. Wait until you get to like, The Harlequin, it is truly wondrous how she manages to jack up the entire premise of the series
Dani: These books are truly awful. Like, I can’t believe I’m still reading them. IT FILLS ME WITH SELF-LOATHING THAT I AM STILL READING THEM. I’m on #4 ... Lunatic Café. The names get dumber, the plots get stupider, and I am still (STILL) waiting for someone to get laid. But, honestly, the next time I have to go through any more occurrences of the following sentences, I am going to throw the book into the wall. I would burn it, but it’s Connie’s.
"And [blah blah] completed the outfit." STOP. IT. I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR NIKES WITH THE FUCKING BLUE SWISH. Particularly when you mention them every other page!
"...but then again, who does?" YOU ARE NOT CARRIE BRADSHAW, and you do not need to remind me that any number of dumb activities you engage in would be frowned upon by omigosh normal people, wtf lol.
The process of answering, often sarcastically, any rhetorical-look-to-the-sky-question and/or statement of fact with "Riiight.", "Joy." "Naw." Or my personal favorite, "Bliss."
And stop talking about your guns! And where you keep them! And how they fit under your stupid completed outfits!
And I hate every characters name! Every! One! DOLPH. WHO NAMES A CHARACTER DOLPH.
Oh my god, Janet. Why am I reading these books? Why?
Jae: Yeah seriously. I HATE Anita's HEADVOICE. It makes me want to scream. The self-loathing and ZOMG I AM NOT NORMAL. Well. Duh. you raise zombies, asshole, that is not normal.
And I am 100% with you on the descriptions of the outfits. Plus, can we date ourselves any more? Polos and Nikes? For real? And black jeans? Gag me with a spoon. I don't mind the guns so much. At least the guns are relevant to the story. You know, they keep her ass alive. Although her constantly talking about her penguin collection made me RAGE.
I think the only book I actually enjoyed was Obsidian Butterfly. Which is #8 or something. There is a positive dearth of "ma petite" because she goes to Arizona or some such place that shouldn't exist but does.
Wait until she starts talking about the ardeur, or says meat like 17x a page. Or metaphysical. Or triumvirate. RETCH. Plus, she turns into a Mary Sue. And not even a Mary Sue that makes sense. Because she is an awful person, but everyone loveesss her. Everyone.
God, and the sex scenes are not even really worth it. Lots of couched metaphors. No dirty words. Despite sex becoming the major premise of the books, there is no money shot. EVER! It's like watching a skin flick on Cinemax, but one where they don't show anything above the ribs and below the bellybutton. NOT EVEN NIPPLES.
The only reason I read them all is because I torrented them for FREE. The formatting is utterly fucked, but I can sleep at night knowing that I gave her NONE of my money. And even though I kind of hated all of the books, I kept reading them. It was like having a bruise. You keep touching it because it's there. It hurts and is kind of annoying but you can't help pressing on it. Plus by the time the series went from interestingly bad to GODDAMN AWFUL I had invested so much time in it that I needed to know what happened next. Even now, I'm like "ooh she's releasing a new one in June". It makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach.
Dani: Dude. I love you because we torture ourselves in all the same ways.
Oh god, the "word of the day" continues. Where I’m at, she has recently discovered the word 'nefarious' (is this a big word? At her age/occupation, is "discovering" 'nefarious' even possible?) and is using it every third paragraph.
TRIUMVIRATE?! I love that word! I’m so sad at the impeding ruination of it! FUCK YOU, LKH.
The PENGUINS. WTF. WITH. THE. FUCKING. PENGUINS.
We clearly need to start a domain and call it "shutupanitablake.com"
I feel like if I can get through this series with most of my mental faculties in tact, I might try the Sookie Stackhouse books again. My memory has the first one sacrificed in effigy on the altar of terrible writing, but they cannot possibly be worse than these.
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