On understanding that you are not a unique little snowflake.

I spend a lot of time in my head, like, whining about the injustice of being blessed/cursed with the ability to truly recognize every possible angle and outcome to any decision. Seriously. I am so self-involved that what the whole world considers “basic cause/effect analysis” is to me like this epic gift and/or side effect of my own staggering intelligence. I am fucking awful.

But even knowing this – knowing this – I still blame this, whatever, extraordinary brain function on what essentially boils down to a crazy, crazy number of misgivings about making decisions. So the cycle goes like this:

I. 

IDEA! Or minor realization that I actually have an opinion about something and that opinion, by its own existence, is dictating that I am going to have to actually do something (to what end the negative, I don’t know – hurting the opinion’s feelings? Like if I manage to not be true to this opinion, something will grow out of the earth and eat my legs)

II.

Consider what I would need to do, theoretically, to make this idea happen or validate this opinion.

III. 

Realize that every option is HARD. Really HARD. WAH.

IV.

Try to convince myself that original idea or opinion was misguided, wrong, or stupid. Because that is easier.

V.

Believe that for a while.

VI. 

Understand that I am lying to myself and I really need to stop slacking and actually deal with this fucking problem! Grrr! Rage! Self-loathing! Hatred of ALL THE THINGS.

VII. 

Depression, resignation, whining at life and how daunting it is to even exist, and now I don’t even know if I want pizza for lunch, because I do, but oh my god the calories, and what is that shiny thing over there, and holy god I hate my life.

VIII. 

Fuck this! I HAVE DECIDED.

IX.

That was a terrible decision. I’d better rethink this.

X.

Repeat steps eight & nine for like 6 months.

XI. 

Get so fed up with this one fucking thought that I will either A) denounce it’s very existence and anything even casually related to it and threaten to burn with acid anyone who dares utter its name, OR B) take the most extreme end of whatever this thoughts spectrum is and roll around naked and laughing in its bloody viscera and then throw myself off a fucking cliff.

So all that to say that I have three things I have been wrestling with for-fucking-ever, like these three are the Trifecta The Defines My Life and I had a thought (god, no, please no more thoughts) this morning that the reason I refuse to decide what to eat for dinner is because I feel entitled to, like, a break. From making decisions! Because I can’t even make these three! How fucked up is that? How STUPID is my brain? So now I have to deal with this theory that my inability to make decisions is having a dire effect on my ability to make decisions. And if that sentence doesn’t make you want to kill yourself, then you are suicide-proof & clear-headed and have a beautiful life ahead of you.