On unlikely office emergencies

From: Client
To: Me
Subject: Out Of Office

I will be at an offsite meeting until 9/19 with limited access to email and phone.
For purchasing issues that cannot wait, please contact [this person]
For furniture issues that cannot wait, please contact [this person]

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From: Me
To: Select Co-Workers

Question of the day: how would you define "a furniture issue that cannot wait"?

Possibilities:

MY DESK IS SLOWLY EATING MY LEGS

THIS CHAIR HAS TURNED INTO A PACK OF SKITTLES

KEYBOARD ONLY TYPES IN FORMAL SANSKRIT

PLEASE REPLACE THE PROJECTOR, IT KEEPS SHOWING THAT VIDEO FROM “THE RING”

Discuss.

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THIS PHONE IS ON FIRE I'M CALLING YOU RIGHT NOW WITH IT AND I TOO AM ON FUCKING FIRE

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Water cooler busted, preventing me putting out that dude who is on a phone that is on fire

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This drawer has a hole in it so everything I put in the drawer in on the floor. I keep putting shit in there anyway though. Oh, its also on fire.

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THE COFFEE THERMOS APPEARS TO HAVE CONTRACTED BLACK PLAGUE. WE'RE ALL DEAD. WE HAVE NO COFFEE.

...also, on fire?

ALSO ON FIRE.

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Feel free to add your own.