On not asking

In 2015, I’m giving up on Not Asking. There are lots of reasons to Not Ask — “because you’re afraid of the answer” is only the beginning of the truth. Most of the time, I find myself Not Asking because I don’t want my request to disappoint the other person, or obligate them, or implicate them. I want to imagine, and for everyone else to imagine, that I’m independent, that I’m flexible, that I want and need for nothing — not a favor, not a job, not time on my own, not recognition, and certainly not money or love. Nothing big — because how deprived a creature would you have to be to need something so great, like forgiveness? — and nothing small — because how petty a person would you have to be to need to request a piddling accommodation, like a half hour alone? For most of my life, I’ve been so good at Not Asking, at acting as if I couldn’t possibly need or want anything from another person, that I’ve fooled the people around me for just long enough to make them party to the inevitable disaster when I crash and burn. No more. Another success at Not Asking like that could ruin me. — Tim Carmody, writer

Jesus christ. This is uncomfortably resonant.

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