I feel stunted, a lot. Impotent at the hands of my own sabotage. It gets more and more difficult to justify the things I've done or haven't done, or at least justify them well. At the end of the day, a justification is exactly that, and I am essentially left wondering why I feel like I need to make one.
There is the proof issue still. Yet another one of those burdensome uncertainties I was sure would dissolve with age. I am beginning to discover that I was lied to; age cures nothing but passion. What scares me is that if I'm this dispassionate now, I will probably need to just kill myself in ten years.
Platitudes, all of these. Drag another cliche howling from the vaults, why don't I. Who has new ideas, anyway. I do miss the ignorance, though. I miss thinking there was some discovery left. It's an arrogant sentiment, but a little arrogance never hurt anyone.
Whatever, I can't think cohesively anymore, or at least be bothered to connect the dots in text. Clearly. At least there's still the ambivalence.
Perhaps I will just write a book and be done with it.
If you write a book I would gladly sign it. har.
ReplyDeleteIdeas that come to you are new to you, and if you get something out of them, then that should be all that matters. As for passion, it doesn't slowly die away and disappear forever...if you really want to grasp it then reach out and grab it...use the fuel from the fear of losing it until you attain enough momentum that it changes into a passion. Of course...all this could just be the mass amounts of opioids flowing through my blood stream at the moment talking. All I'm certain of is this...if you want it Dani...you will have it. This applies to all things.
ReplyDeleteSide note, though we unfortunately communicated all too seldom, I've very much missed your conversations and presence. We should remedy this. I hope all is well with you & JoE.
P.S. I've always thought you should write books. Though you may not feel like it; you have a unique vision and your use of language and sharp wit is fucking genius. I may not have read much or understand really what makes for great literature...but everything you do is better than anything I've read.