I just got an email.
"This situation has a unique scent. Let's ensure we scout out the proper probing maneuvers before we dive into the deep end. Throw out a few lines and really maintain a laser focus on the responses."
I'm not even paraphrasing. Like, this is my job. My job is to garner every ounce of willpower and refrain from responding to every email I get with "ROFL WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN YOU CRAZY PERSON?"
This email ALMOST wins Corporatese Bullshit Email Of Forever, but it remains second to this one I got a couple of years ago: "We just picked up this account and request that you quote us on the below items. I will touch base with [dude] about getting set up. This is a huge opportunity and they are floating us a trial balloon to see if we can deliver the bacon."
That last one spawned an all day inter-office thread featuring a ridiculous number of giant pig balloons.
I want a job like that. Seriously. I can handle corporate weird lingo like a pro.
ReplyDeleteI am sure we will be hiring in the spring. =P
ReplyDeleteI like how everything can be vaguely sexual.
ReplyDeleteCorporate industry lingo... ah, the thrill.
Our standard intra-office greeting is "Hey, buddy! How's your pipeline?!" Because the higher-ups are constantly referring to our "pipelines" instead of just going "so how much crap are you working on now"
ReplyDeleteAnd as unbelievable as it may be, there are actually items that are sold by the "sausage" - seriously! That is a real unit of measure. So, I mean. We get a LOT of mileage out of that.
"I need, like, 3."
"Sausages?"
"Yeah. I don't know how many I'd need to make a -fest, though."
"There are roughly 5.8 sausages in a sausagefest."