Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 1)
You
will feel like you are starving to death. You will eat something like 3 cups of
mixed nuts and 12 bags of beef jerky and feel like those things were a light
appetizer. Your brain will not function anywhere near what you are used to. If
you play Dominion, you will probably win, but you will feel like you are
cheating because nothing is actually making sense.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 3)
You
will miss powdered coffee creamer and seriously wonder why, because it's not
even good. Then you realize it's because they keep the half and half in the
bottom of the refrigerator at work, in a crisper drawer that barely opens, and
you feel clumsy and ridiculous every time you try to open it.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 4)
You
will have more energy than you know what to do with and are really, really
enjoying not feeling like absolute shit every afternoon between 3 and 7. You
are not loving the 4 monstrous zits that have appeared on your face. You
remember that you are also taking synthetic hormones that are forcing your
uterus to do things it is not doing on its own, and are reasonably certain the
zits are because of the pills and not because of the food you are eating.
Re-evaluate in a few weeks.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 7)
You
might kill a man for a chocolate bar. You will try a fake ass Atkins peanut
butter bar. You will regret it. You will buy a box of low carb hot chocolate
and be so terrified that it’s going to be awful that you just leave it on your
kitchen table for a week.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 8)
Stop
trying to make people at your job not think roasted seaweed isn't gross. They’re
going to hate it. Suburban-bred white people hate seaweed. It’s not going to
happen. You didn't even like it that one time Tiffany told you to try it. You
like it now. You love the fuck out of it, actually.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 10)
No.
Bacon and eggs and cheese are never going to get old. You will feel like
cooking again and make 10,000 things out of ground beef. You will make potato
pancakes for your husband and have zero desire to try them. This feels like a
glorious victory.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 11)
You
will feel like shit and you will have no idea why. If you throw out your
shoulder because you’re a dumbass, try to avoid blaming the pain on keto. It’s
not keto. It’s you, sucking at life.
Things
I Have Learned About Keto (Day 12)
If
you are even a little cavalier about drinking less than an estimated metric
fuckton of water, your nose will drip, your throat will feel like sandpaper,
and your brain will be unable to calculate even the simplest of equations. (I
need this in by 1pm CST … which is … like … 3 PST? No, 12. No, 10. FUCK IT I
HAVE NO IDEA STOP LOOKING AT ME.) You think it’s probably the dreaded keto flu,
which you thought you had managed to avoid. Hope to god sucking back 30 gallons
of Smart Water will fix you, because you are going to NY this weekend and it
would really suck to see Nick Cave and your friends while dealing with keto
flu.
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